Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
