Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Randomize
