Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
