please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
