My cat gives me a boner
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
