my phone needs a breathalizer
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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