I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
