answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
