I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize