my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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