Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
