Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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