I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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