and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
