guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
