I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
