I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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