i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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