I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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