I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
