Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
