ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
