Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
