Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize