If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
