Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
