Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
