I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
