That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize