I just pynch a tree in the face
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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