Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
