im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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