dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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