So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
