I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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