Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
When are your genitals available?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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