I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Never joke about your clitoris.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
