I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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