found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
