theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
