My Higher Power is John Stamos
People in love make me want to vomit
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
