I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
