is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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