I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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