I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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