You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
