There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
