I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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