Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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