Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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