apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
