I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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