Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
