I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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