and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
