so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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