I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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