who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
