Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
