Im at strip club and am horny
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
