i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
