WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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